58 pounds. That's the total amount of weight I've lost since July 2012. I'm sitting here in clothes that I never thought I could fit into, enjoying a cup of coffee and finally feeling okay with the new me. I'm not going to lie—it's been a process getting used to Size 4 Michelle. First, there were the doubts that a weight loss program, any weight loss program, would actually work. You've seen the commercials on TV. The shot flashes to a picture of some bloated housewife with no makeup, wearing a tent for a dress, and then BAM—she's parading around in size 4 couture and heals, the absolute picture of perfection. And you hate her. I know I hated her. Well, not her, but what her success symbolized when time after time I'd failed.
Starting is the hardest part. I still remember thinking that I could do this on my own, even though past failures had proved me wrong. I needed help, and by realizing that, I'd already made it over the biggest hurdle. At the advice of my doctor, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. It took a while to get used to the program because I had to change the entire way I looked at food, but soon the pounds started coming off. It wasn't significant weight loss each week, just one or two pounds, but it was consistent. And before I knew it, I was at Gap once a month shopping for a smaller pair of jeans.
I still look at myself sometimes and do a double take. I'm a different woman then I used to be, and not just on the outside. Weight loss really messes with your mind, and that's an understatement. I'd hoped that losing weight would make me more normal, and thus more invisible. I'd hoped that by looking like everybody else, I'd blend in better and no one would pay attention to me. But that hasn't happened at all.
It's weird how people treat you when they think you're attractive versus when they don't. Really freaking weird. It made me angry at first, but not at the individual. It made me angry at society. Why is our culture so wrapped up in appearance? Why am I so often solely judged by what I look like? Especially when I have so many great qualities aside from what's on the outside. I used to feel that those qualities were ignored because I considered myself unattractive. Now I feel that those qualities are overlooked because I am attractive. And neither one is fair.
Where does that leave me? Ultimately, it leaves me in a world that I can't change. It leaves me in a world where jealous people will make comments about how they think I'm too skinny. It leaves me in a world where people might write me off because they think I'm pretty. It leaves me exactly where I was when I started, except now I'm comfortable in my own skin.
The world's going to judge you no matter who you are or what you look like, so please, don't let them stop you from getting healthy. I've had to endure critical comments throughout this whole process, especially the one that bugs me the most: What if you gain the weight back? I've got a 2-word reply for that, but it's not very nice, so I won't bother with it. A much more appropriate answer is this: I've been maintaining my goal weight for more than a month now, and I couldn't be happier. I still keep track of everything I eat. I still order fat free ranch at restaurants. I still have to think about how much of a hit that second glass of malbec will take on my diet. But I am healthy, and I like myself, and no one can take that away from me.
If you've considered losing weight but haven't been able to get started, I urge you to start today. I highly recommend Weight Watchers, or any program where you keep track of what you eat. When you actually start monitoring your calorie intake and the kinds of foods you're consuming, that alone can be a huge wake-up call. You may not think you have the discipline to do it, but I didn't either, and I'm still amazed at the person I've become. The you that you're looking for is in there. The skinny version of yourself IS possible. It's just up to you to believe that you can find him or her, and decide every single day that you deserve to change.
